my life start to fade.. i hate it so much.. but i have no choice.. thousand and million of "not willing".. how i wish i can control time.. manipulate it so that i will not have to suffer.. all those crying.. really hurt me a lot.. i done wat i can.. but what is left is a maiden broken heart.. i lost fate.. i lost hope.. i lost myself.. i being lock up in a world..

wore sun glasses today.. cried a lot ytd.. well.. i done it again.. i cry in public.. really hope my sun glasses can cover my sadness side.. the side that being force to put on my face.. i lost my feeling.. i dun feel anything already.. i cant feel my heart beating.. i feel that i am just a living dead.. wat is else is my body.. a shell.. wat inside is completely seal up.. i have to force myself to fake a smile when talking to my face.. try my best to joke around.. but what inside me, cant fake..

i dress up until not like me today.. with a cap and a sun glasses.. sot of Super Star look.. but who understand how i feel?? i really really really feel hurt.. i just wan to have somebody to concern about me.. but when i feel so hurt and lost.. i dun kw who to turn to.. so many fren in my phone list.. yet i dun kw who to find.. scare to trouble them.. scare they will scold me.. i really feel so lost.. i only can cry secretly in my own world.. i try my best.. not to cry.. i keep tell myself.. dun cry ruby.. dun cry.. u are strong.. so dun cry.. seem like my positive self start to build up stronger than usual.. but.. i cannot control it.. tears will just drop.. drop.. drop.. i cant control it.. i dun feel my heart beating anymore.. i dun feel anything.. since i dun feel anything.. why will i cry?? what is happening to me??

when i wanted to have someone to talk to.. but i am so disappointed.. dun seem to have anyone able to understand me.. i really.. really wish to have someone to console me.. to encourage me.. motivate me.. wat should i do?? i am lost.. i cant control my tears.. god.. please help me.. save me.. some one.. any one.. please save me.. i need help.. how matter how much i try to be strong.. i will still be beaten.. why i cant feel anything now..

14 July.. i really hate this number.. I HATE IT!! i dun wish to suffer so much.. things happen just so fast.. now you can be happy.. but next minute you could be sad.. i really.. cannot take it.. i cant take the blow anymore.. i really cannot.. i just cant.. wat can i do?? i wanna hide myself up.. dun wanna attend school.. dun wan to talk to anyone.. just lock myself up..


i am not myself anymore.. my life is not complete.. and it never will again..