gosh.. sadness filled in me once again.. today i'm not myself.. shocking, sad, happy, depress.. everything happened today.. end up.. i drinking alone under my block when i going home.. reach home very late.. haiz.. i should wait for yiyi to finish work de.. but.. i feel so sad.. den i just go off.. haiz..


was reading chicken soup when i wait for yiyi.. i was at the "relationship" section followed by "friendship".. haiz... root-be-er cross my mind when i was at the "relationship" section.. when reading.. i sense the sadness of the author.. memories.. got this part.. talking abt looking back to its past.. the author look back to his past.. haiz.. den i was like.. lost and sad.. going back to the past.. izzit the best way?? zhu xiao mei told me.. trust him.. haha.. ya.. trust him.. i trust everyone.. for now?? i treasure every single moment.. good moment tat wun last for long.. it will be hard.. but.. 笑一笑，没有什么是过不了。。 i just got to keep smiling.. the smile may be a fake one.. but at least.. wun have much ppl worry for me~ i treasure every single moment with root-be-er.. got time will find him.. coz.. i kw the time is running out.. i wun have much time with him anymore.. when the time getting close, i kw.. i kw what will happen to me.. but, he said.. treasure now.. tat what i can only do.. since u already kw what will be the ending.. den no point keeping a hope that will never come true.. but somehow.. deep inside me.. this hope still maintain there.. zhu xiao mei also told me.. if the other parties is happy.. it good enough already.. at least.. he found his right one.. u should happy for him.. but.. the aching feeling wun gone just one night.. it gonna be hurtful.. knowing i will be hurt.. but i still keep this hope.. love is blind.. this is true alright..


today, i automatically woke up at 8am.. no matter how tired i am.. this few days.. i keep woke up at 8am.. and the first thing i will check my phone.. did root-be-er find me?? haiz.. tat is how much i treasure now.. but, everytime i think tat the time is running out.. the aching feeling hit me.. how much time is left?? 1 day?? 1week?? or even 1min?? what will happen the next minute?? maybe i will die the next minute.. but at least.. i did not regret.. the first time.. i face it.. be brave.. no matter what is the outcome.. how hurt it can be.. i just need to keep smiling.. in front of ppl.. i am a gal tat always brighten up their day.. a gal tat always smile when they look at her.. i just need to maintain tat smile.. when no one is there.. i can just take down the mask.. and truely cry my heart out..


haiz.. so long he is happy.. i think tat is enough for me leh bah.. is not the first time anyway.. i just gonna hide everything deep inside me.. when everything is flooded inside, i just got to cry my heart out.. and continue to hide.. i got too much stuff hiding inside me.. stuff that i can never spoke to anyone.. coz.. i only can keep it in myself..


den when i read "friendship" section.. haiz.. another blow to me.. haiz.. treasure what i have now bah.. no point looking back to the past.. since its hurt one time.. mean there will be another.. for me?? i hurt once again and again.. forgive and forgive.. and now?? i cannot forget abt the hurt i got.. will cry alone.. just like just now.. i drink again.. i sit alone under my block.. finish the whole bottle.. tears need came down.. the reason i left mac without waiting for yiyi coz i scare i break down.. i did break down at mac before.. hiding myself crying.. i dun wanna yiyi to worry for me.. yiyi very good wor.. he wun ask me what happen.. he just give me tissue and leave me alone there.. i still remember.. tat time.. i crying alone outside.. try to hide myself.. somehow yiyi kw i am crying.. den he take tissue and smash my face.. like rubbing the face.. and try to crack joke.. haha.. yiyi is a very very good man.. who ever got him, sure very xin fu de..


why izzit so hard to forgive, forget and move on?? i just can't make myself to forgive.. and i can never forget.. end up?? blood dripping while i move on.. who can stop the blood from coming out?? i bleeding real bad inside my heart.. time can heal.. but.. before it heal.. another scar appear.. how to heal like tat?? how to heal when i keep getting hurt and before it can heal, another hurt came again.. man.. i scare of this life leh.. i am like a human shell without soul.. my soul is not with me.. i dun remember what today date.. what happened just now.. what happened ytd.. haiz.. what more scare me is that.. i got a cut on my hand while working.. and i dun kw it is bleeding.. it dun hurt.. is a small cut only.. haiz.. where i get this cut from?? i dun kw..


haiz.. when i on the way to mac.. i almost get buang by moto-cycle.. tat uncle.. dun kw look at where.. look at the side.. and i am just abt to be in front of him.. i see him like tat.. i STOP myself from walking.. end up stay at the center of the road.. lucky no car la.. if i never stop myself from walking, 100%.. nono.. 200% i sure kanna knock down by him.. dun get it.. ride yet never look in front.. haiz.. i am blur.. but i not tat blur.. at least i kw how to take care of my life.. coz i kw.. if anything happen to me.. i confirm my family gonna break down sooner or later.. my family need me to keep things in place.. i need to take care of my parent health.. and scold tat twin brothers of mine.. i got so much need to settle.. so much waiting for me.. but.. if something happen to me, if i kanna knock down.. i hope i can lost all my memory.. at least.. remember some of those i WANTED to remember.. and forget all the rest.. i dun kw what i should do sia.. this not successful.. tat one not successful.. this thing hope to happen.. but end up wun.. hope to complete tat task nicely.. end up last minute all the problem come.. haizzz.. CAN AT LEAST GIVE ME SOMETHING TAT IS SMOOTH!!! i dun ask for more.. i just wan someone i love.. T.T


i never had a dream come true.. even if i pretend tat i will move on.. but who know deep inside me.. what am i thinking?? and i tot i finally found the one.. but think, when the alarm ring, i will wake up from the dream.. and everything will stay as a memory.. and a dream that will never come true.. haiz..