i flunk my exam today.. even my eddie so surprise tat i did not do well.. everytime.. i first to go off.. but today.. i am the last.. both of my program cannot even compile.. i think.. i really fail leh.. haiz.. i knew it.. i knew it!! i knew it that i will score so bad!!! haiz..
well.. ytd i wish tat my senior royston have nightmare.. but end up.. he dun have nitemare.. but me having nitemare!! haiz.. is not surprise to see me have tat kind of nitemare that what royston say.. and.. he told me something... gals have long hair.. is those emo type.. well.. he say.. if i so disagree.. den prove him wrong.. but now.. i think.. i cant prove him wrong.. my hair is super long.. den i am super emo also.. well.. i kw me.. emo cause my greatest wrong.. i try to change it.. but.. when something happen.. gosh.. i just cannot stop... i never beat my emotion.. and i never will.. hey ruby.. think positive.. there's a will.. there's a way.. keep it up.. u are trying real hard.. it doesnt matter how others look at u.. so long u kw tat u never do anything wrong.. and u are clear of what u are doing.. who care what others say and look at u??
bla bla bla.. say all this is easy.. but.. ruby always wanted attention from others.. why?? i dun kw.. but i just need to have attention from others.. i dun kw why i wan this so much.. i really dun kw.. even me myself cannot get it.. izzit becoz i lack of attention?? sad song accompany me thru my nite.. i am lost of words.. i start to feel heartache.. why am i in this state.. i no longer myself.. xiong told me just now.. "i 5 years got 3 gf.. u 1 years got 3.." haiz.. i did feel hurt.. he knew tat what happen to me currently.. but.. he still say tat out.. some more.. he still say "u give me a feeling that u very desperate for a bf".. oh well.. for those tat know everything abt me.. u all should kw how badly i am hurt bah..
i already so hurt.. trying to over come what happen to me.. and yet.. xiong just give me another scar tat need to be heal... hao xin ku.. xiong kw what is gd for me.. he see everything very clearly.. but.. now i see him.. i start to feel.. distance.. a big distance.. we no longer the fren we use to be.. u kw that rite?? haiz.. nvm.. u will just think tat i just getting emo.. maybe i am.. but i start to fear of u.. u kw what i scare of most.. rite?? or maybe all along u dun kw.. the sense of secure i got in u.. already gone.. at least.. come comfort for me?? what i need most now.... haiz.. nvm.. not important anyway..
where can i find the secure?? joke around.. smile around.. tat is what others see in me.. but tat is not me.. tat is the mask i wearing.. someday.. maybe i can really joke and smile around with the REAL me.. now think back.. i can so good with yiyi and xiong.. maybe is the sense of secure they give me.. tat why they are my very very best fren.. but.. once this sense of secure is gone.. i think.. tat is the end of me.. haiz..
think i need to keep myself busy bah.. to stop me thinking of anything.. no matter wat i do.. no matter where i go.. i got hurt everywhere.. and i start crying in the middle of the night to heal myself.. that is my life.. haha.. so pathetic.. senior.. is not i wan to make myself sound so pathetic u kw.. other den pathetic.. i cannot find any other words to sub it.. everyone around me.. some more worst.. some more better.. some dun even care.. den me?? which cagetory do i fall in?? ha.. we will see how bah.. if i gonna fail my exam.. i think i will drop out liao.. i dun wan study leh.. haha.. stupid idea rite?? bla bla bla.. no ppl care also..
*cough* haiz.. die le~ dun kw how good.. haha..
