gosh... my mood is so down now sia.. haiz.. dun kw is my fault or what sia.. ah bing angry liao?? gosh.. dun kw la.. haiz.. how i kw he so xiao qi de.. T.T things is just not the way i wanted.. man... maybe live in this world.. is a wrong decision.. den why am i born sia.. so suffering.. T.T haiz..


man.. i am get a too emotional person.. xiong told me.. a lot of guys cannot take my emotional side.. and before stanley leave the store.. he also told me.. control my emotion.. or else.. haha.. seem like it all come true leh.. i am just emotional.. how am i suppose to not to emotional when my environment dun allow me to stop being emotional.. this whole year.. is really a great suffer for me.. do what.. all fail.. what i hope for.. will end up with lots of disappointment.. what i wish for.. will never come true.. izzit becoz of me being emotional?? or izzit just.. i am fate to be like this.. gosh.. this is not what i wanted.. this is just simply not what i wanted.. and it can never be!!


this few day.. i try to be happy.. well.. is not try... i am happy.. after tat big cry not long ago.. wif 3 ppl in my room seeing me cry like dun kw what.. my fren.. all support me.. i get over with it leh.. i try to get over wif it.. but.. did i get over wif it?? i have no idea.. coz.. it seem like.. i lost contact wif my heart leh.. i cannot hear anything from her.. no response.. no matter what i do.. she did not reply me.. she throw me alone here to solve all the problem.. instead of solving.. will only make things worst.. gosh.. what is happening sia..


be positive.. i am positive this few day.. but today.. just wanna say all everything out bah.. sian.. no ppl to talk to.. what can i do?? of coz talk to my blog lo.. cannot even think of anyone to talk to.. even if i found someone.. i have no idea how am i suppose to open my mouth.. coz i will just end up speechless and laugh all the way.. yi xiao er guo~ haha.. so fake sia..


yawn.. wanna study de.. but.. just dun have the motivation.. wat really happening to me sia.. i can't study at home.. tat why.. oh gosh.. why is the song play all sad sad de.. tat indeed make me feel worst leh.. haha.. maybe.. too much sad song in my lappy le bah.. sian.. think ah bing ignore me leh.. man.. how can like this sia.. why no matter what i do.. all wrong wrong wrong... T.T


gentle and violent.. lol.. was talking abt this wif "underage" just now.. gentle of me.. and violent of me.. i did treat different ppl differently.. seem like i only can crap around wif fren.. and for lover.. i have no idea how to treat him... i am just too noob la.. bo bian.. hahahaa.. now 18 years old leh.. a few more month.. will go 19.. den follow by 20.. gosh.. time is like running so fast.. gonna need to plan leh.. but den.. now maybe.. just wish tat my life end faster.. is too hard and suffering for me.. haha.. for those tat know me super long.. u all will understand why right?? since small... days is never be a good one for me.. even my birthday is in a total disaster.. xiao shi hou.. i always looking forward for my birthday to come.. coz i can make 3 wishes.. and hope this wishes will come true.. but.. it never have... and it will never will.. i dun even remember what i wish for last year.. and when my birthday come.. is so hard to ask my fren to celebrate wif me.. begging.. asking.. haiz.. having so much fren.. macham no fren like tat.. i still remember.. last year.. i cry... the reason i cry.. is about my birthday de.. coz.. xiong forget my birthday.. haha.. what a joke rite?? a best buddy of mine.. forget my birthday?? gosh.. i really heartbreak tat day.. plus.. cannot even join me for my celebration.. hahaha.. double joke..


but nvm la.. maybe this year.. not going to celebrate bah.. enough of disappointment.. enough of wun come true de wishes.. guess what?? i dun feel a single bit now sia.. man.. is this call numb?? gosh.. what is happening sia!!! hmmm.. just now in audition.. ah bing was telling me abt his stuff.. "love till very xin ku" tat is what he said.. and kw what i say?? i said this to him.. "if u really love him/her.. no matter how disappoint he/she make u.. no matter how hurt u are.. u wun blame him/her.. and all because u love him/her.. even if u so xin ku.. u wun feel it at all.." haha.. i understand this phrase.. coz is i say de.. and.. is true u kw.. hahaha.. crap.. so sian..


what can i do to change my life?? what can i do to find the one i always finding?? what can i do so that i wun suffer?? what can i do so tat everything will just be the way i wanted.. what can i do so tat world is peace?? haha.. in my dream, i can do anything.. i can be the way i wanted.. i can do anything i wan.. i can get the one i always finding.. and there is no suffering there.. but... when u wake up.. everything.. is gone.. haha.. so.. instead of dreaming.. what of think of something possible and will happen??


jovin.. he looking for a gf.. and he found me.. and hope i can be his gf.. but i can't accept him.. he told me.. he can give all the love and care i wan... and give him and myself a chance to understand each other better.. but i rejected him.. i can't.. i told him.. i can't give him the love he wanted.. and i cannot accept his love and care.. coz i cannot give him any.. and i can give him a chance to kw me better.. but.. as a fren and not a lover.. haiz.. coz.. i cannot let this kind of stuff happen to me the 2nd time.. i cannot be selfish.. if i cannot give what i wanted most.. den i also cannot accept it.. and this wun change..


so many ppl walk in and out of my life.. they not tired.. but i am.. tired of giving all of me.. and let them throw one side.. gosh.. tat is really very very terrible u kw.. i do my best to be a fren.. i do my best to be someone gf.. but it all turn out fail.. haiz.. fail in relationship.. i can confirm is due to my emotion.. i trust what xiong said.. my emotion.. really my zhi ming shan.. fail in fren.. did i?? for some.. yep.. my fren one by one.. leaving me.. after knowing me for so long.. they choose to walk away.. and.. yang ching.. my longest fren.. lucky i still have her.. if she also leave me.. i think i really dun kw what to do leh.. haha.. is hard to kw someone for... 15years?? haha.. i still remember.. when young.. she so FAIR!!! and her skin like forever wun dark de lo.. haha.. but me is diff.. when i young.. i very very dark.. coz i swim a lot.. den in pri sch.. we also go swim swim together.. haha.. i still remember we having lots of fun inside the pool.. playing all games.. making up story from no where.. haha.. tat is one of the most wonderful period of my life.. at least.. i still got this wonderful memory with me.. just in case i am gone.. i still feel content.. coz.. in my life.. i have this wonderful fren.. thx yang ching.. thank for appearing in my life to bring me some light.. i kw got some period of time.. we never contact at all.. but i am making it all now.. i kw u suffer also.. but i was not there.. but now.. i am here.. ^^ whenever u need a hug.. or someone to talk to.. u can just walk a few step.. or just type a few number.. and i will be here..


haiz........ sian...... what to do sia.. T.T