javier went away to chalet 1st day... and yet.. today is a terrible day for me.. as well as him.. i so excited.. when he say u wanna come overmy hse and find me b4 he went to chalet.. but i got work today.. so instead, he said that he will come to mac and find me.. from 12nn.. i waited and waited.. hoping to see him appear in front of me.. every single second pass like years.. i didn't see him turning up.. maybe he is sleeping and over slept.. so i continue to wait.. i check my phone... dun have a single msg from him.. so i continue waited.. all the way till 5 plus.. he didn't turn up after all.. no sign of him anywhere, not a single msg from him either.. well, since is so late, maybe he forgotten?? maybe he forgot what he said to me the night before.. while working, i sneak to give him a msg.. well, surprise to see what he reply.. "i am piss off".. seeing this few words at the start... i kw.. i shouldn't have msg him at all.. followed by "ur msg is another blow again".. den i start thinking.. what did i do wrong?? he did say tat he wanna come find me.. when he didn't turn up, he didn't even msg me or even call me to tell me he cannot make it.. started to feel unfair.. but i just have to understand him.. putting myself to the one to be blame, i asked him what happen?? yet he said he dun have the mood to say anything.. well, maybe he didn't know i feel hurt when see that... he wun kw since he was so angry and piss off.. end up, knowing is his mum dun let him to go chalet early, and his fren was kp him to go help him bla bla bla, den.. mine msg saying he lie when i never even ask why he didn't come look for me.. he felt sad and piss off.. but at that moment.. i also feel sad.. izzit my fault for saying he lie for never come and look for me?? but is true that he did not turn up.. not even try to explaint to me.. and does he kw how much i wanted to see him?? i so looking forward to see him.. and yet, another disppointment.. and also a blame too.. his mum dun understand him, his fren also dun understand him.. and now?? even his gf dun understand him... how wonder he so piss off.. but did he understand me when he was piss off at that moment?? i tried my best to chill him down.. and he did feel better.. but i am not.. i feel hurt.. another scar in my heart... he might be thinking "i am his gf.. i should understand him.." ya.. i really should.. but at the same time, only i understand him, and i hope he can understand me more.. i feel scare.. after he feel better, i told him "if something had happen, tell me.. let me share with u.. ok??".. i keep on go check my phone.. hoping him will reply a "yes" or "ok", but nope.. not a single msg.. another blow for me again.. izzit he wanna test weather i can endure the blow?? or what?? i have no idea.. "maybe he is busy, he is always a busy person.." i tot this way.. try not to let negative tot take over my mind.. i waited and waited.. no reply.. oh well... when i finish work, i sit in the manager room chatting with chin wee and yiyi.. do feel fun chatting so much.. but, i still wanna give it a try... i msg him again.. asking if he was having fun after all the things tat had happened.. haiz.. once again.. no reply.. man... start to feel myself like very pathetic.. at noon still happily waiting, working and chatting.. den now?? also dun kw who is me...


ytd, he read my blog... and he cried.. i feel kind of touch.. he said.. coz i keep on waiting for him.. ya, i am waiting.. even so much os disappointment i get from him, i still waiting.. i make a promise to myself.. i not gonna let this love to fail again.. i do all my best to love him.. haiz.. but in return, tons of disappointment and more disapointment.. after all these blow.. how i kw.. the worst is coming towards me.. shawn... he is making me going insane.. sooner or later i might just jump down from my hse.. i dun kw what he still wan for me.. we are over.. and that mean the end.. dun wait for me anymore.. i had enough now.. ur love now become knife cutting me into pieces.. no matter what u do, i just cannot forgive u for what u did to me.. i feel hurt enough.. just STOP IT~! just let me go..


the song... this is the song shared between me and javier.. and what u doing is hurting me.. dun get the wrong idea.. u can never become my romeo.. or liang shang bo.. when i kw u are listening to this song, or whatever u are writing in ur nick, i feel ton of hurt... u must well take a chopper and chop me into pieces... why do u wan to see me suffer so much?? like that den u happy izzit?? dun ruin this song and its significant in me.. is not something that u can replace with... and it will never... my mood went even bad... sad song play again and again in my head.. even if yiyi lappy song is outdated, the song just can make me feel better.. all the sad song.. is what i need.. things getting from worst to even worst... my blog.. i think i shouldn't let anyone know my blog address.. how i kw thru my blog, i can hurt?? seeing what shawn wrote in my cbox.. i really very confused.. what do he wan from me?? i dun kw what to do.. i am lost.. I AM LOST~!~! i feel fear.. i feel scare.. i feel lost.. i feel like "gosh.. why this kind of thing is happening on me??"... whole day.. i try to control my tears.. but.. i just simply can't control it anymore.. is too much.. why i have to overcome all this blow by myself?? what did i do wrong?? why no matter wat i do, it seem like WRONG?? i am such a failure?? haiz.. why my day become like this?? is not wat i wanted... i dun wan this.. T.T


after all this.. i really cannot take it anymore.. i ran out of mac.. 11plus.. no one is outside.. i hide myself there.. walking alone.. crying alone.. it was so quiet.. i only can hear my footstep and my heartbeat.. and the tears coming down my cheek... till, i stand outside, a place where no one can see me crying.. i wanted to msg javier so much... but i dun kw what to do.. i wan someone to be with me... i dun wan cry alone in this world where no one kw... so.. after so much disappointment i got today, i msg him... i just wanna make a bet.. see if he will call me or even reply me.. i msg him "what to do.. T.T".. he didn't reply.. he didn't call.. i tot... i really break down.. i cry hard.. alone.. outside.. i dun wan to let yiyi know.. after i control my emotion.. i went back to mac.. sitting on my favourite seat.. lie on the table.. i dun kw if i am alive or dead.. my gastric hurt.. haiz.. i try to think of other thing to prevent me from crying.. i play my game in my hp.. after playing a while, javier called.. i ran out of mac.. i dun kw should i pick up his phone.. will he say "i call u back later?" i scare.. but.. i still got to pick up... i pick up the call, i hear his voice.. my tears came down again.. i cannot stop crying.. i got so much i wanted to tell him.. tell him how scare i am.. how lost i am.. but.. everything just stop at my throat.. preventing me from saying a single word.. knowing that i am crying, i also dun kw what he thinking or feeling.. why can't i just tell him what happen.. i dun kw.. my heart telling me dun tell him... izzit becoz of all the disappointment?? i dun kw.. he said "why are u crying?? tell me what happen.. izzit becoz i never contact u??".. i am crying~! i dun feel good... i wanna tell u what is happening to me.. every single thing i wanna tell u.. but i just can't.. not a single word is coming out from my mouth.. my heart feel so hurt.. "izzit becozi never contact u", well.. since he said that.. i also wish to kw.. why he didn't contact me.. but even if i ask.. i scare i will be an unreasonable person in this eyes.. but i wish to kw.. but i still can't make myself to ask.. i very confused.. i just cry.. cry... and cry... i think he hate me being so emotional.. but, javier.. i am sorry.. i can't make myself to change.. is already a part of me being so emotional.. i am still crying while writing this blog.. well, end up, "call me back after 5min".. i start to think that it is impossible for me to use my finger to call u... after hanging up the call, i went crying again.. chin wee and yiyi somehow kw i am crying.. yiyi try to comfort me by his cheerful character.. taking a tissue, wipe all over my face... i kw he is trying to cheer me up... why only yiyi show me his hand when i am down?? i am sad.. really sad.. i can't make myself to call him.. coz what i might do is just started crying again.. instead of letting him hear how i cry.. i chose to msg him.. saying i am alright.. but i am not alright.. i need him by my side... how wish he will just pop up by my side.. i dun care how disappointed i may get in the future.. i just wish he will be with me now.. but den.. what i msg him.. seem like nothing is happening... he didn't reply.. so i send another msg over to him.. saying that i can't speak when i hear his voice.. yet again.. no reply.. no reply.. NO REPLY~!~! his gf is here crying.. hoping for some comfort from him.. but no reply.. since that is the case.. i dun wan to let myself get another blow... i stop msg him... i have enough blow today.. he maybe busy??? oh gosh.. now i really think that i cannot use tat same excuse to make me think that there is reason for him not replying me at this period of time.. i scare of calling him.. coz i scare tat he might think i am just being too emotional and he hate me being emotional.. or even saying that he will call me back later.. enough blow for today... my heart is bleeding.. too hurt..


u said that i am the first gal that cry for u.. and hearing u cry ytd... i really touch and heartbreak.. but, u just more of online chatting.. but me not.. when u chose to put down the phone and asking to chat online... i kw... i cannot chat with u on phone for long.. even if i wanted so much.. i kw.. can't... haiz... can't see u for the next so many days.. wan to talk to u also so hard... haiz... who is me now?? who can tell me.. am i just a passer-by?? i dun kw.. maybe only god know...


and also... yiyi forget to help me buy dessert... liew.. and hoh.. after i feeling better, we went supper.. it started raining... i am wet too.. well.. i am so cold.. the wind is blowing big.. we went to 110 coffee shop eat lo.. coz i am really hungry.. hmmm.. den we 3(me, yiyi and mak chin wee) chat chat lo.. chat till nearly 4am.. well, i feel a terrible pain... my gastric is acting up again.. is so hurt man~!~! i cannot really move at that moment.. but ok la.. still can make it.. den when i home, i still feel the pain la.. but i never take my medicine... hahaha.. lazy la hoh.. :x


well, den i wanna try my luck again.. yeah... javier reply back.. i went everything Woooo better... :x hahahaha.... seee.. now time is 9.26am,18 dec... lol... come edit and update yiyi part.. coz forgot write he FORGOT BUY MY DESSERT~!~! and hoh.. when we go eat supper at coffee shop, HE FORGOT BUY my drink again.. WA LAO EH... he bad sia.. T.T hahahaha... k la.. i 4 plus den slp.. den now.. got to prepare go work le.. 10am start till 3.. DIE... so tired.. T.T