i am so scare... this fear is so... scary... my heart hurt.. is so hurt... i really can feel the ache... really very nan shou... is just like.. heartbeat will stop anytime... any minute.. any second.. haiz... i really very xin ku.. i am just a big cry baby after all... i back to the depression self again... a part of me tat torture me most...


my mum told me.. my grandma seeing "things" in hospital.. disturbing her... shaking her bed.. spray water.. disturb... all over.. under her bed.. beside her.. even on top of her.. grandma is scare... last night.. she pluck out all the needle... den keep shouting saying she wanna go home.. den my big aunt stay overnite to accompany her.. den this morning.. my mum go take over... my mum told me.. grandma keep saying out names.. well.. all my uncles aunty names... saying she wanna go home.. bring her home..


when i heard these.. i so scare.. coz.. there is this story in STGS book 14... almost totally identical to my grandma.. they were saying... "when one person is close to their death, they can see those stuff"... in tat story, the author grandma suffer from heart attack and some other illness.. den also.. same to my grandma.. the author grandma saw stuff in the hospital and also keep ask her children to bring her home.. den after discharged from hospital 1 week... she passed away peacefully...


i really so scare.. coz my papa also say so.. coz he was saying.. Lao Ah Ma(dun really kw is who) also the same case.. i really so scare.. i dun wan to lose my grandma.. i still wanna spend time with her.. i just can't stop crying.. a lot of pictures keep on flashing across my mind.. those time i spend with grandma.. i keep on blaming myself now.. why i cannot do anything to help her.. tat day.. i was holding her hand.. the very first time... in my life.. i hold her hand.. she really suffering.. i dun wan to believe it.. i dun wan to believe the story is true.. i dun wish it is true.. but if it is true?? what can i do?? all is not in my control... i very vexed..


i dun wanan find shawn.. coz.. in order not keep let both of us hurt more.. i chose not to find him.. is not tat i dun wan.. do u understand the meaning inside?? i kw u dun like the feeling of me putting my fren more important den u.. but they are the one always with me... the feeling... is not tat easy de do u kw??? just let me be alone... the more u like tat.. the more stress i got.. i already very vexed and stress enough... this month is my exam month.. and plus my grandma case... these 2 is already a big blow to me.. i already have enough stress... but ytd u still shout at me.. haiz.. who hurt more?? sometime.. a word sorry.. wun help to heal any scar de do u kw tat?? hurt is already being made.. nothing u can do to prevent it.. what u can do now is just leave me alone..


i am just weak.. i tot i always so strong.. but i am just weak... what can i do??? i am a burden to everyone... and i am the one tat giving xiong lot of stress... coz of mine thinking.. my ren xin.. my everything.. making him stress.. i kw.. i understand.. i know him very well.. even if he dun tell me.. i can feel it.. he cannot hide anything from me.. coz when something is wrong.. i kw.. and when something is wrong.. tat feeling.. will be here.. i dun kw why.. anything abt him.. i tend to understand a lot and very easily... and.. there will be one person.. jealous of this.. right Mr Shawn??? haiz... one day.. i dare to say.. u will say this out.. "i not like xiong.. he is so much better den me.. he can give u what i cannot give u.. den u go find him la.." bla bla bla.. things like this... i will dare to say... if u say this out.. i make sure i ignore u for 3 days.. i said it.. i mean it.. dun try to dare me.. i still remember... when in secondary school.. somehow xiong made me angry or something.. i ignore him for 1 week.. well.. i also ignore one person.. count count.. now abt 5-6 years le bah... 3 days?? small cake only..


hey people.. next friday... maybe i will not celebrate my birthday.. MAYBE... i will let u all know again...