*tears* i really had enough... i dun wan hide anything... all the feeling.. is turning me into a zombie... what i know is... no matter what i do.. just keep my mouth shut and not saying anything when i sad, unhappy, angry etc... better to be emotionless.. and nothing else...



dun know from when... i started to heard from people saying "u think too much".. well.. think is xiong bah... think he is the first one let me notice this phrase.. well.. and whenever this phrase come out from his mouth.. i know something is wrong.. and maybe becasue of this.. when ever i heard this phrase... i dun like it... it will give me a feeling that i dun like..



"hey come on.. u think too much already"... whatever it is... now i know.. being silent is the best.. so as to prevent this phrase from going into my ear... things seem like this... when there is something inside me.. making feel so sad.. so unhappy.. so angry.. so emotional.. or whatever... people tend to ask me what happen.. if i refuse to say... they will just use their way to make me say... haiz.. den when i say?? people will use tat stupid phrase.. u kw how i feel?? know how bad i feel?? when i am so down... tot there is really somebody tat can listen to me.. and not saying "u think too much".. what i wan is just a listening ear.. nothing much... i already feel very bad already.. and this phrase is making me more sad... i just dun wan this phrase to appear to me.. just like cheng guan... he keep on using this phrase a while ago.. and i really.. dun kw what to say.. i just gone offline to cool down a bit.. den went back online again... ya right.. something wrong is within me.. and nothing i can do with it.. i am just like a time bomb.. will bomb in anytime.. anywhere...



who am i??? this is what my dear ah ma wrote..



My Dear Ah Ma Said:
u don hav to be happy when u r sad






this is what cheng guan wrote



Mr. e.V.L =\ says:

a cheerful, sensible, ambitious girl




big bird daniel wrote..



Daniel: good is good. but sometime must improve on ur attitude. sometime don show ur attitude when u feeling bad mood. but ppl trying to console u, den u scold him back also. lol. tat is what i meant. i mean, if u bad mood, if ppl come talk to u, u donno they going to scold u or console u mah. i give u 70%.




this is what jie yi wrote..



XiaoJie says:

a nice person lo



XiaoJie says:

helpful..sometimes help pple






oh well.. was asking people what kind of people am i in their eye.. and i think is a must to ask xiong and yiyi... and guess what i saw?? xiong personal nick.. "since when u become so unreasonable and negative? a small thing also need to be so serious? I HATE IT" oh well.. i think he is saying me.. stop crying just now.. den when i saw this.. i was completely shut down... i shutted with tears all over.. do throw out.. i went back to my parent room.. lock myself up and cry... my brother kw something wrong with me.. well.. he kw me.. he never ask anything.. tat my brother.. he kw me.. i dun wish to be disturb in this state..



i feel so heartbreak.. it seem like i lost somebody... if things are meant to be like this... let it be bah... at least i see there is a need to learn how to do thing all by myself.. maybe i should learn how to be independent like cheng guan.. he once told me before.. he got one state.. watching movie all by himself.. shopping all by himself.. eat all by himself.. play game all by himself.. maybe?? i can do it too... well.. the 2week holiday weeks.. i think.. it time for me to MIA.. hahaha...



i being crying for whole day... how foolish i am.. what for crying anyway?? well.. when i at my parent room.. i took my phone with me.. i wanted to find someone to talk to... but.. i got no one to call.. cheng guan... sok mui... yangching... joanna... qiu ping... only this few people name appear in my mind.. but.. something stop me from calling them... and i am very sure what is tat feeling tat stop me from calling them... i told myself earlier ago.. i wun tell anyone how i feel.. what i think anymore..



got scolded by cheng guan... haiz... a while ago.. saying me sensible.. a while later saying me not sensible.. and after all these.. think he wun have the mood to see me or even continue the movie session with me bah.. so.. i chose to walk away... i dun wanna add anymore burden to him... even he keep saying no.. or saying is all my nonsense thinking.. i kw.. i making him vexed... making him so stress etc.. haiz... the more i dun wan him to feel all these.. the more scolding i may get... end up will be so like this.. it seem like i living like what he live in the past.. i just dun wan to get anymore scolding... that all..



i feel so... haiz.. seem like i put him aeroplane... haiz... wondering... what should i do...











well... i do travel to northpoint.. and wanted to watch the movie with him.. but den... i dun have the gut... dun have the face to face him... haiz... i do reach there at 6.20pm.. but den.. was thinking... how am i gonna face him.. well.. do saw kingley at northpoint.. he was standing at OCBC bank... i think he got saw me.. i was like a blur sotong keep on knocking onto people... knock here and there.. trying to hide myself from letting kingley saw me.. i dun kw why... i keep wanna avoid all the people tat i kw.. i walk one round in northpoint... calling my fren see whether they wanted to come out and accompany me... oh well.. none of them... none... no one.... alright... i was alone... after tat i went to yishun pond... i walk the big long way... hmmmm... i think i walk 2 rounds bah... after tat i walk one big round in yishun... around the neighbourhood... hmmmm.. thinking what i doing... well.. the strolling alone.. feel kind of relaxing.. cooling.. good tat i got my jacket on... well.. dun kw i stroll till what time.. den went back northpoint again... den i bought the vcd i wanted... well.. also give the called to my god brother choon han... asking him help me check the movie tat cheng guan watching how long.. was wanting to wait till he finish the movie den ask him for dinner... but... haiz... still dun kw how to face him.. den i put off the idea...



my eye seem to be kind of swollen.. haiz.. also dun wanna let anyone to see this... coz i dun kw what will he say... maybe saying i so foolish.. crying over for nothing... haiz... dun kw... dun kw what can i do to face him.. letting him so lonely... watching movie alone... eating alone... haiz... everything already happened.. no matter what i said... all already too late.. and all these is what cheng guan dun wish to see.. i guess so..



feeling a bit better now.. but den... i refuse to pick up any phone call.. joanna called.. but i never picked up.. i just dun have the feeling of talking.. coz.. when i was at northpoint.. when i was calling those "fren".. i almost cry out... my voice is so unstable... haiz... tat why i refuse.. or wun listen any phone call.. i didn't talk at all.. haiz...



tml got my last paper.. and i dun kw how.. i didn't study... and i dun think i can slp today.. haiz... dun kw la.. haiz..