was so empty when i wake up today... haiz.... wasn't sure what i am doing whole day... other den playing gunbound... i have no idea what else i can do... can't smile... but... was in a totally break down mood today... firstly... my 2nd aunty called my hse.. she finding my mom... from what my mom reply... i kw something is wrong.. and is very wrong...


well.. cg den send me something... in msn... "im sorry for tt day. but as for wad u have written on ur nick, if that's wad u think tt as a gd solution, i've nth to say. bye" bye again... this bye... i dun wan... cg ar cg... do u kw what i trying to tell u??? i dun wan to hear the bye... ever since tat day happened... i dun kw what to do... saw u online.. yet dun dare to talk to u... coz i scare might end up fighting for nothing again... or most likely... wun even reply... i send 3 sms... 1st one... asking for what u thinking... 2nd one... to ask.. if u got anything wanna say... the 3rd one... i was breaking down.. i wan somebody to acc me... but none of them... none of them u reply... none of them... is this the answer u trying to tell me??? or izzit asking me to give up... do u kw... every single msg... i took how much courage to send... and do u kw... how much i think... whenever my phone ring??? think what will u answer??? how will u answer??? but u chose to ignore it... even when i am in a totally down state... i need a stroll out... u didn't even care to reply... haiz... 3 sms... i think... 9.15pm in msn tat sentance.. is the last sentance u said to me bah.... tat 3 sms... really... hurt me... but do u kw?? in msn.. u type that.. how i felt?? i dun kw... i got a sudden pain in my heart... is tat what they call heartbreak?? i was shock to see tat... and it feel like time stop at that moment... at the 3rd msg... i was so sad... coz i heard news tat affect me most... and... i tot u can just... acc me.. but never... u didn't reply... i end up crying alone... again...


i cannot control myself whenever it about my grandma... and i kw.. tat phone call from my 2nd aunt... is not a good news... den when my mom told me... i really.. cannot take the blow anymore... is too much for me... i tot this kind of thing.. wun happen to my family.. coz i always believe.. my family... everybody... my relative... everyone... is so united and close.. the bonding is strong... and this kind of thing wun ever happen.. coz i love my grandma... i love her a lot... my mom told me... my 4th uncle wife was thinking of sending my grandma to yang lao yuan... but my 4th aunty wun allow... so my 2nd aunty called my mom... saying... 4th aunty ask my mom to quit her job.. and go look after my grandma... but... now... my hse.. tat 2 stupid brother.. never work... only my father is working... and for me?? i studying.. is almost impossible to work... and.. left my mom... she is working too.. i dun kw what will happen... my mom ask me... what to do... but.. how am i suppose to answer??? i told her.. i dun kw.. dun ask me.. coz.. i dun wanted to answer this kind of question tat will hurt me... why can't they just think of how grandma is feeling??? for all the elderly... going into yang lao yuan... is almost equal to their kids giving up on them... when i old.. i dun wan my kids to send me to yang lao yuan also... grandma love her kids.. grandma love her grandchildrens... grandma love me... when i am young.. i always follow my brothers to grandma hse.. and sometime.. grandma will give me money... $10... what is $10... at that time... $10 is a lot to me... tat $10 is full of love and care... the warm... nothing can replace... and now??? they wanted to send her to yang lao yuan?? I OBJECT!!!! but what can i do?? i'm just a small kid in their eyes.. all the stuff... where can let us grandchilren to decide???


with such messy feeling in me... i really wanna go out and take a walk... cg unwilling to reply... xiong was mad with me... coz he dun wan me to go out in such hour... i kw he scare i might in danger ALONE... but i really wanted to go out... i really need fresh air to cool me down... i really happy tat u accompany me play game... i really did feel better... coz at tat moment.. i really gone bonkers... i really break down... now i den kw... maybe this feeling... cg have before... and i kw how it hurts.... is all adult stuff.. we children better dun touch... tat's what i told those youngest one.. when the biggest fight is on with them... CNY.... i am one of the oldest among the small one.. so i ask everyone to go inside the room... wun allow them to see the fight.. they fight... they shout... even we in the room.. we can hear... b4 i leave.. grandma was crying... i went give grandma a hug... i really dun bare to see grandma like this... and now??? this news... really... make me... break down... why they adult just can't understand grandma a little??? why they wanna give up on grandma.... i know the feeling of being giving up.... maybe... now... i already being give up by somebody already... i dun wan the feeling of giving up... people may say... come on... u only 18... why u wanna get into the world of them fighting... why u wanna worry abt it so much??? i tell u all why... becoz is abt my GRANDMA... i love her... she dote me a lot... i wun wan her to feel hurt... i dun kw if she know abt the yang lao yuan stuff... if she already kw... how she react?? did she cry??? i bet she will... grandma love us so much... how could they do this to her...


i cry and cry today.... first cry... becoz see cg wrote tat in msn... 2nd cry... when mom told me abt grandma stuff and plus cg didn't reply.... 3rd cry... now... i dun wan my brother to see me like this... coz they sure anyhow say stuff... and now.. they already start saying stuff... things like.. broken up with somebody... have a fight with bf... etc... oh well.. i kw... my 2nd brother... use "tired wanna slp de tears" and help me hide it... coz my big brother.. is so super toot de... haiz... they talk without going thru their brain... coz the feeling is too strong for me to endure it... tat why i cry... oh well.. they are so arghhhhhhhhh.... i hate it.... why can't i have my own little space... everytime this hour.... is the only time i can be alone.. in a quiet place.. with me my own only... no matter what i do.. no ppl can comment.. no ppl will kw... but... all becoz of soccer... they not sleeping... haiz...


ok ruby... stop crying... it hards... but u still have to get over with it... it very hard to bare... after a cry... u will feel better rite??? maybe.. this is the way u release ur stress bah... haiz... ruby... dun go more deeper inside tat door... the deeper u go in... the more harder u need to get out... u need to face.. u cannot hide inside... just stay beside the door... wait till somebody found the key and save u out... dun walk anymore deeper... coz.. tat somebody might not find u even the door is open... pls... have fate in tat somebody... trust him... he will be ur light... and take u out of tat dark room... someday... he will appear... u just need to wait... u must believe... even whole world dun believe... u must believe... i kw u will believe... be strong.. wait beside the door... somebody will show u tat pair of hands... tat bring u out... and u will be in a world of happiness.... so believe ok???