today... i really... is sure a big loser... why i didn't notice tat?? on the way walking home.. all the way from 200+ to mrt den to home.. this path of road.. may be long... but den... is the only time.. tat will keep in my memory...

this is the first time... well.. may not be the first time crying while walking back.. but is the first time.. i cry untill so badly... is was nearly midnite... i really... feel so... horrible... why am i such a loser?? such a great bad grand daughter?? why i didn't notice tat my grandma is in this state... the state tat every old grandparent will worry abt.. why!!! why am i sure a idiot... after hearing what my aunt said... i really feel tat i dun fit to be my grandma grand daughter.. and everybody is not doing their parts... i really do miss my grandma... when i see her.. i was so happy... i really wanna have a long talk wif her... i kw grandma miss me a lot.. and miss everyone... heard that she everyday... look down the window.. hope to see some familier view... the view of her son.. daughter.. and grandchildren... and even hope that will have call... call from us... but... it seem like nobody is doing tat... when i called them saying i going up and take a look at grandma.. and see them... grandma was so happy.. that she waited and waited... i know i late.. becoz... company time.. was kind of stuck or what... i know grandma is so happy to see me.. the smile on her face... is what i always wanted to see... at least.. knowing that my grandma is still alright...

my aunt told me... grandma was so happy that i going to see her.. coz.. it seem like nobody go and see her.. grandma dote me alot!!! and tat mean really alot... i love grandma so much... but.. i hardly can see her.. when i am little.. i only can see her when my parent or my brother bring me... but now.. i am older.. i can go and see her my own!!! but... it seem like... i didn't think of grandma... aunt also told me tat grandma cry... when she think of all the stuff.. tat i dun really think i wanted to mention.. is too... too.... is very hard for me to say out... and.. her eye almost... haiz.. i dun kw is cry too much or what.. she went to the hospital not long ago i think.. and have a operation.. a small one i think.. but den.. how come i dun kw!!! how come!! why didn't anyone tell me abt it!!! grandma also mine!!! why i dun kw!!!

when i reach aunt hse... what i do is just company stuff.. and.. after hearing what my aunt told me.. i really.. full of sorry... feel that i not filial at all.. feel so guilty... i cried... at my aunt hse.. i really.. feel so bad.. i cannot control... since just now till now.. i being crying non-stop for 2hours plus... i in complete lost.. complete darkness... grandma should be thinking... thinking tat she can talk to me for a long time.. well.. we haven met for a long time.. is true tat we have a lot of stuff to say.. but.. i must do what i must do.. i cannot talk much.. coz.. (kenneth.. you should kw why bah..) miss michelle still there.. i cannot leave her there.. and u should kw why bah...

grandma waited for me for 3hours... and i feel that i let her down... coz.. i hardly got time talking to her just now.. kenneth.. one reason that.. i dun really start with my relative.. coz.. i kw.. something will sure happened.. but den.. u all making me have to.. i dun wan them to get the wrong idea.. i kw.. i kw that u all told me all abt it.. but den.. diff family.. act diff also.. and i kw that.. the bonding in my family.. is breaking apart.. and i really dun wan tat to happen.. what i can do is talk to them.. relac their mind.. well.. and end up being a doll that let ppl throw all their temper in... i kw aunt got her own reason.. and i kw.. she in a hard life also.. that why i wun mind.. but.. what she said.. really.. make me feel very bad.. all the stuff.. that i wanan do when i was little.. all came out... when i was little.. i want my grandma to be happy.. and i kw that.. when grandma saw me.. she will be happy.. but.. when i grow up.. i didn't visit her.. i regreted so much now.. sorry grandma.. sorry for not knowing how u feel.. dun worry so much.. i will be here.. always.. when u need somebody to talk to.. i will go... whenever u wanna somebody to see u.. i will go.. whenever u need something... i get for u.. just... let me do whatever i can.. when.. i still can.. i dun wanna regret my whole life...

when u on the way back... xiong msg me.. well.. i tot he already have new fren.. and put me aside.. and wun talk to again.. and... i do feel he change.. but.. he said he never.. haiz.. it seem like.. i am a very troublesome person to him already... i have this thinking.. after tat day... the way.. he reply... really hurt me... but i kw.. nothing i can do... a totally diff school... totally diff environment.. diff fren tat hang out.. of coz.. anyone will change.. the xiong that always care for me.. always help me... always help me out wif my problem... has fade away... maybe.. xiong.. maybe u wun feel this way.. but i am... "i am sick and tired of ppl telling me that............." well.. it seem like.. already got ppl tat replace me le... and when i need u.. i become a totally... new person.. but for me is not... u are the one that i can depend on... but den... everything seem to change already... just now.. u msg me.. when i was the down mood.. the worst mood i ever had.. asking me if my poly life is good.. but den.. how wish i can wan u to help me stop crying... help me to cool myself down... and dun let me be alone... but... when i think of u saying "i am sick and tired of ppl telling me that".. i really.. dun dare to tell u... coz u might think... i am just a cry baby.. a loser.. a nothing... and may end up angry wif me... is not tat i dun wan to tell u.. is just tat.. u make me can't speak up... whenever i need u.. u always there.. but this time.. i was all alone.. alone in the street... feeling so lost... dun kw what to do... no ppl i can turn to... how wish u can rush down... and let me see u... making sure tat i am not alone.. but i can't... it stop me from thinking of wanna ur help... it just wan me to be alone... alone in my life.. making me feel so horrible..

kenneth.. i am glad that u said u wanna come and find me.. but.. is kind of far u kw.. and.. what u said.. i think i also can guess.. going to be 2am soon... i still crying.. and.. my head hurt so much... dun kw why.. this few day.. my head.. hurt so much.. having a terrible headache.. for a few days already... dun kw izzit suffer from any illness or what.. think i got take some pills... den have a short rest.. a rest less den 4 hours... den got to get up for school le.. haiz... my life.. is so painful.. is so... terrible.. why am i always alone?? who will be the one tat will always be at my side.. and go wif me for the rest of our life??