my day... was in a totally mess... was so happy... having such a wonderful day... but.. why.. when i reach home.. it was like hell?? now i kw.. heaven and hell... can change in just a split second.. i not good to have this.. coz.. u will be in a totally lost.. and dun kw what u should do... and now?? me is in this state.. i dun kw where i should go now... which path is the path tat can let me have a happy life.. kw why i always put a happy face to everyone?? coz.. if a smile.. can let everyone happy.. why not smile more?? i will rather take a step back den be strict... if things can be settle in a more peaceful and non-hurt way... why not?? i still trying to master it...

in the day... i went out with xiong and yiyi... we went to suntec city.. to the IT show.. well.. look at all those computer.. i really dun kw what to do... well.. just walk lo.. but... i feel lost... coz.. got a lot of people... i feel like grabing them... so tat i wun lost my way... but.. i kw i cannot do tat... well.. those school days.. i remember i always like to grab onto xiong de bag... well.. it look like if i never grab his bag... i will feel very unsafe... the people at the IT show.. was damn lot.. but... when xiong was right infront of me... i feel safe... it was like the old days.. when i was garbing his bag.. and was walking to school.. or on the way to mac.. closing the road... memory all come to me.. it was like.. without him.. i will feel so unsafe... how wish can go back to our old school life.. where i can still grab on him... so tat i can cross the road without anything happen... but i kw.. it can't.. i can no longer grab him anymore.. we will be in different poly... different work place... or can say... we can hardly meet... when i think of all these.. think of we will be in different world.. i feel so hurt... i dun kw how important him is for me..

having such a wonderful day... maybe.. i shouldn't.. coz.. my life at home.. was so bad... was so terrible.. i hate my brothers.. i hate people fighting at home.. i hate my own family scolding here and there... I HATE IT!!!! i hate it when i cannot even watch my own show... i hate it when people keep disturbing me.. i hate it when people keep on repeating the same wrong things.. same wrong words.. and my brothers is keep on doing all those stuff tat i hate it!!! why can't my own brothers like others?? why my brothers cannot be just like my cousin?? why others can peaceful talk to their own brothers.. and i cannot?? why must i treat my own brothers like enemies?? WHY!!!!

i have no idea why i am crying now.. but i kw... i never like this cry b4... why am i like this?? i always wanted others, my fren and everyone i kw to be happy.. but.. i never let my ownself happy b4... everything i do... got its own reason... and something i do... even it hurt me so much.. so long as somebody else is happy... i will still do it... why?? why people will ask me... u only will care about others.. but... u will never care abt urself... u live for urself in this world.. not for others u kw?? i have no answer for this... i only kw that... whenever i feel hurt... feel very very badly hurt.. crying over and over... i will only keep to myself... i dun wish others to worry abt me... but... whenever i keep on keeping it all to myself.. i keep wanna somebody to by my side... well.. whatever i wish for.. maybe.. can only found inside tong hua.. coz.. whatever i wanted... in real life.. is so hard... but... in my mind.. is seem so easy.. maybe tat why... i started to be so.... i dun kw how to say...

look like.. i have to buy for chocolate for my own le... dun kw when... i started to eat chocolate whenever i feeling down... or whenever i got something inside my heart... but... i also got time tat i really wanna eat it... chocolate can give me the sweetness i wanted.. haiz.. oh well.. tml will be a hard day for me.. but.. i was so looking forward for tml de bbq.. yati de bbq.. coz.. can see beach.. finally.. beach.. finally i can be there... well.. maybe i will try and get away when everybody dun kw.. get to the beach alone... and hear the sea wave... feel the wind... well.. peaceful rite?? i always wanted to go to the beach... but.. no one wan to.. and.. no time also.. coz.. keep on work and work.. really dun have time anymore.. oh well.. cannot think so much le!!! the boat will reach the port one day!!! is only the matter of time!! i cannot give up!!! i must prove!! i am strong!! i not weak!!!