today... early morning.. i went to mac.. coz.. meeting eng tat.. coz he going to help me on my poly stuff... but.. it seem like.. still got a lot of thing.. i have to handle my own... well.. stanley working ma.. hmmm.. i use his laptop.. and edit my blog lo.. now change le.. hehe..

well... so many thing happen... i saw the disc xiong always wanted to buy... but.. no matter how i called him.. he never answer... why i feel so bad.. why he didn't pick up the call?? haiz.. den i buy lo.. when i saw the disc.. i was so happy... coz... this is the disc.. xiong wanted so much.. and keep asking abt it.. and.. i get it.. was wanna share the good news with him.. but i end up with disappointment...

den... when we were in the mrt... xiong was on phone with stanley.. i kw.. i kw is xiong on the line.. i just kw it... and.. from the conversation.. i feel... so disappointed.. stanley den told me what xiong told him.. and den.. i feel uneasy... hmmm... den xiong called me.. but... i was angry with him.. the first call.. i dun wan to listen.. but... the 2nd call.. i listen.. everything... is so... is not what i wanted... he said he got a manager meeting.. and cannot go.. den end up?? going ice skating also... what does this mean?? and.. i am the last one to kw??

when ice skating... it seem like.. xiong and the girl he bring... stick together... haiz.. no matter when.. i will end up seeing them skating together.. and i found out tat.. whenever i go ice skating with xiong.. i wun skate with him.. coz.. and will end up.. skating my own.. coz he would be skating with someone else.. this ice skating.. when i first start plan.. i was thinking of skating with him.. den everybody having great fun... but.. the ending.. was totally opposite... i didn't with him... and.. was not having fun..

my mood is very terrible.. and it go worst when.. xiong said "dun block my view le"... when i heard this... i almost feel like crying out... is this what i wanna hear?? i was happily buying the cd for him... and become like this?? i was totally freak out.. i den said tat.. "fine.. since u think i blocking ur view.. i will stop blocking ur view"... this word.. hurt me so much... was trying to skate with him together.. at least... can make a little wish come true.. but... become like this.. this is not what i want... IS NOT!!!!

when skating... i almost cry out.. but.. is becoz of other stuff.. my mood wasn't so good after all this happen to me.. and can't smile... can't really have fun... my mind is so messy.. my heart also.. after being hurt by those word.. i feel tat... why i try so hard to make xiong happy.. make him kw i am HERE!!!!

wasn't feel like talking again... when on the way home.. i [ass him the cd.. and... said something.. tat i dun kw why i said out!!! "dun talk to me..." and... really.. he didn't talk to me at all.. in the mrt... i think so much of thing... my tear almost come out.. but i try and control it.. but.. 1 or 2 drop of tear.. still come out.. i staring at the window.. with the reflection of xiong... he was happily chatting.. haiz... and me?? sadly crying... i dun kw how long i can control the tear... when reach yishun... i walk as fast as i can... coz.. i wun wan anyone to see me crying.. this is the 1st time.. i didn't look back at xiong.. i dun kw what i am thinking.. what i am thing.. everything is clashing in my mind... everything is so messy... what i think of is.. reservoir... june was with me all along... when on the way there... i lost control... i bust out with tear... it seem like.. i went to the reservoir almost everyday... sitting at the same spot... but... with the sky full of star.. it make me cool down...

well.. was very hungry.. coz.. whole day.. only eat 1 meal... and i have already ate dun kw how many medicine liao... and.. i run out of medicine le.. have to buy liao le.. haiz... well.. i went buy milk shake.. and also buy for yiyi lo... when at store.. joanna msg me.. and i kw.. she might kw something... haiz.. when i on the way home.. i called her..

she told me... a lot of thing... she told me what xiong told her... "he bring his fren go, dun kw will become like this.. dun kw u will not happy.. he was like wanna give u a surprised.. coz the manager meeting at 5pm.. and tat girl ask him go movie.. and got time ma.. so go lo.. but.. after the movie.. his manger said tat chagne to next week.. den.. he already promised u tat he going ice skating with u de... den now got time.. den go lo.. but.. cannot throw his fren at there rite... so bring her along lo... but dun kw.. will end up like this... he was like.. feeling very mo ming qi miao lo... and... was like.. going ice skating is a wrong move... coz.. he see u cry at there.. and even the mrt... he dun kw what happen.. he dun kw it will hurt u... he dun dare to come near u.. coz.. u was "on fire"... he got try to come near u and talk to u.. but... u just said.. dun talk to u.. and ur msn nick... was like.. I HAD ENOUGH... bla bla bla.. den making him... feel.. very bad or what..."

i cry.. when talking to joanna.. i cry again... after heraing what joanna said.. it seem like.. i really done something very wrong... i dun kw what i was thinking... i think... my emotion over carry away... i didn't think of xiong de feeling.. i never think of others de feeling.. i never stand in xiong shoe.. this is the first time... first time... first time i being so selfish till.. didn't care other ppl feeling.. i only thinking of my own feeling.. i am really sry.. i was undergo a lot of stress.. a lot of unknown stress... i dun wan this to be happening de... when joanna said tat he keep on coughing when she was talking to u.. i feel so... hurt... u sick.. u still go.. and end up.. i like this treat u... i kw i wrong.. i kw... T.T but somehow.. i really need someone... someone to help me... how wish tat person is u.. but.. u can't.. u cannot help me..

i looking at my own finger... 2 cut... had it when i dun kw.. i dun even feel the pain.. i dun even kw it bleed.. i think.. i think is when i help stanley they all do with the shoe den hurt de bah.. well.. it bleed a lot.. but.. ok la.. can stop it... it look like.. this ice skate.. is not what i wanted... i hope.. i really hope.. the next ice skating session.. will be what i always wanted.. with somebody at my side.. skating with me...

Xiong... I am very sorry... But... I am hurt when i like this treat u... Do u understand??